No. 0. Quote: Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway. No. 1. Quote: They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain No. 2. Quote: Small things make base men proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" No. 3. Quote: I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. -- Shakespeare No. 4. Quote: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. No. 5. Quote: Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" No. 6. Quote: You will gain money by an illegal action. No. 7. Quote: We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. -- Mark Twain No. 8. Quote: Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess. -- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"] No. 9. Quote: Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites. No. 10. Quote: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. No. 11. Quote: Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question." No. 12. Quote: Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. No. 13. Quote: The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better turn." After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can be better." -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" No. 14. Quote: Communicate! It can't make things any worse. No. 15. Quote: You will become rich and famous unless you don't. No. 16. Quote: Q: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same. No. 17. Quote: You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. No. 18. Quote: You will be divorced within a year. No. 19. Quote: You will be singled out for promotion in your work. No. 20. Quote: Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo. -- Rachel Sheeley, winner The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again. -- Claudia Fields, runner-up It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel. No. 21. Quote: Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry. No. 22. Quote: Domestic happiness and faithful friends. No. 23. Quote: Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today. No. 24. Quote: Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.