No. 0. Quote: 
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
 
No. 1. Quote: 
If you can read this, you're too close.
 
No. 2. Quote: 
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
		-- Mark Twain
 
No. 3. Quote: 
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."
 
No. 4. Quote: 
Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:	A nervous wreck.
 
No. 5. Quote: 
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
 
No. 6. Quote: 
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
 
No. 7. Quote: 
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
 
No. 8. Quote: 
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
 
No. 9. Quote: 
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
 
No. 10. Quote: 
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
 
No. 11. Quote: 
	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes
 
No. 12. Quote: 
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.
 
No. 13. Quote: 
Be careful!  Is it classified?
 
No. 14. Quote: 
Make a wish, it might come true.
 
No. 15. Quote: 
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
 
No. 16. Quote: 
Every why hath a wherefore.
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
 
No. 17. Quote: 
Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:	Open other end.
 
No. 18. Quote: 
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
 
No. 19. Quote: 
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
 
No. 20. Quote: 
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
 
No. 21. Quote: 
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
 
No. 22. Quote: 
Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
 
No. 23. Quote: 
Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.
 
No. 24. Quote: 
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"