Fortune Quotes - 14-03-2016_120002

No. 0. Quote:
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
bad fiction contest.

No. 1. Quote:
Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
my dissertation to rhyme.

No. 2. Quote:
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84

No. 3. Quote:
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"

No. 4. Quote:
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 5. Quote:
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He
brought death into the world.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 6. Quote:
Never reveal your best argument.

No. 7. Quote:
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.

No. 8. Quote:
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

No. 9. Quote:
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
A: Moby Pickle.

No. 10. Quote:
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

No. 11. Quote:
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain

No. 12. Quote:
You teach best what you most need to learn.

No. 13. Quote:
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"

No. 14. Quote:
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.

No. 15. Quote:
You will be awarded some great honor.

No. 16. Quote:
Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!

No. 17. Quote:
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 18. Quote:
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 19. Quote:
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to system overview.]


No. 20. Quote:
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

No. 21. Quote:
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
-- Mark Twain

No. 22. Quote:
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.

Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.

No. 23. Quote:
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.

No. 24. Quote:
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.