Fortune Quotes - 01-02-2016_120001

No. 0. Quote:
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

No. 1. Quote:
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare

No. 2. Quote:
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

No. 3. Quote:
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"

No. 4. Quote:
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.

No. 5. Quote:
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!

No. 6. Quote:
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.

No. 7. Quote:
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.

No. 8. Quote:
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.

No. 9. Quote:
Never give an inch!

No. 10. Quote:
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.

No. 11. Quote:
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

No. 12. Quote:
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 13. Quote:
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"

No. 14. Quote:
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.

No. 15. Quote:
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"

No. 16. Quote:
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

No. 17. Quote:
Are you sure the back door is locked?

No. 18. Quote:
You will be married within a year.

No. 19. Quote:
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.

No. 20. Quote:
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.

No. 21. Quote:
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.

No. 22. Quote:
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

No. 23. Quote:
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain

No. 24. Quote:
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: The cats keep trying to bury them.