名人名言 - 23-03-2016_120002

No. 0. Quote:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

No. 1. Quote:
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.

No. 2. Quote:
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"

No. 3. Quote:
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare

No. 4. Quote:
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"

No. 5. Quote:
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.

No. 6. Quote:
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.

No. 7. Quote:
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.

No. 8. Quote:
Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)

No. 9. Quote:
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.

No. 10. Quote:
You are capable of planning your future.

No. 11. Quote:
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

No. 12. Quote:
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.

No. 13. Quote:
Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

No. 14. Quote:
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
of the way.

No. 15. Quote:
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.

No. 16. Quote:
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
-- Charles Dickens

No. 17. Quote:
Tempt not a desperate man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

No. 18. Quote:
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

No. 19. Quote:
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 20. Quote:
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.

No. 21. Quote:
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.

No. 22. Quote:
Bridge ahead. Pay troll.

No. 23. Quote:
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain

No. 24. Quote:
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"