Fortune Quotes - 13-03-2016_120001

No. 0. Quote:
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A: To be or not to be.
Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?

No. 1. Quote:
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 2. Quote:
Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.

No. 3. Quote:
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?

No. 4. Quote:
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain

No. 5. Quote:
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.

No. 6. Quote:
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain

No. 7. Quote:
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.

No. 8. Quote:
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"

No. 9. Quote:
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.

No. 10. Quote:
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!

Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax

No. 11. Quote:
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.

No. 12. Quote:
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
the bulb in the first place.

No. 13. Quote:
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.

No. 14. Quote:
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
-- George D. Prentice

No. 15. Quote:
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

No. 16. Quote:
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
-- Lewis Carroll

No. 17. Quote:
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
-- Charles Dickens

No. 18. Quote:
Your lucky color has faded.

No. 19. Quote:
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84

No. 20. Quote:
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

No. 21. Quote:
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

No. 22. Quote:
You are confused; but this is your normal state.

No. 23. Quote:
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to
leave it behind.

No. 24. Quote:
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain