Fortune Quotes - 26-02-2016_120001

No. 0. Quote:
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.

No. 1. Quote:
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

No. 2. Quote:
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.

No. 3. Quote:
You have been selected for a secret mission.

No. 4. Quote:
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.

No. 5. Quote:
Give him an evasive answer.

No. 6. Quote:
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"

No. 7. Quote:
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.

No. 8. Quote:
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.

No. 9. Quote:
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.

No. 10. Quote:
Don't feed the bats tonight.

No. 11. Quote:
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have somebody to divide it with.
-- Mark Twain

No. 12. Quote:
Your present plans will be successful.

No. 13. Quote:
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
365 useless things.

No. 14. Quote:
You will be run over by a bus.

No. 15. Quote:
Are you making all this up as you go along?

No. 16. Quote:
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.

No. 17. Quote:
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.

No. 18. Quote:
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

No. 19. Quote:
You are fairminded, just and loving.

No. 20. Quote:
A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively
cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding
place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I
would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless
pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque.
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"

No. 21. Quote:
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

No. 22. Quote:
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.

No. 23. Quote:
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

No. 24. Quote:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.