Fortune Quotes - 05-03-2016_120001

No. 0. Quote:
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain

No. 1. Quote:
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.

No. 2. Quote:
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"

No. 3. Quote:
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.

No. 4. Quote:
People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.

No. 5. Quote:
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.

Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.

No. 6. Quote:
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.

No. 7. Quote:
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A: The very best person they can possibly be.

No. 8. Quote:
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

No. 9. Quote:
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

No. 10. Quote:
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
to really want to change.

No. 11. Quote:
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.

No. 12. Quote:
Condense soup, not books!

No. 13. Quote:
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A: Open other end.

No. 14. Quote:
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
-- Sherlock Holmes

No. 15. Quote:
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.

No. 16. Quote:
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.

No. 17. Quote:
It was all so different before everything changed.

No. 18. Quote:
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"

No. 19. Quote:
Slow day. Practice crawling.

No. 20. Quote:
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
-- Mark Twain

No. 21. Quote:
It was all so different before everything changed.

No. 22. Quote:
You are going to have a new love affair.

No. 23. Quote:
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

No. 24. Quote:
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.